A Bad Mental Path

panic

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I’m having my first bad day since being let go from the job after I told them I was going to have looking into other opportunities as conditions were not improving and they hadn’t found a way to let me go back to my staff pharmacist job.

Overall, I have felt way less stressed.  I’ve been happier.  I haven’t had to wear my night guard for my teeth clenching and TMJ.  I know I have enough in emergency funds to keep us comfortable for at least 6 months, and we’ve kept our spending down while I’ve been off work.

But last night, after falling asleep, I woke up 2 hours later in a near panic attack.  The anxiety over things not moving as quick as I’m used to and really having to “hunt” for work is starting to creep in.

I’ve been getting slightly worried about how slow the processes are moving with a couple of the jobs I applied to.  In the past, I’ve been in regular communication with whoever was mostly responsible for the hiring.  Those were for retail jobs.

I’ve applied to two hospital jobs and spoken to the managers.

One, I spoke to a month ago for a “second round” of phone interview (after an initial phone interview, and then shadowing on site for a few hours).  I had to complete a thorough reference check process, they didn’t tell me what happened, but each reference had to complete surveys.  I did that 16 days ago and was told “we’ll be in touch shortly.”  That was the last I heard.  Sixteen days and no follow up is not “shortly” in my book.  I left a voicemail for the recruiter yesterday and emailed the manager today.  Haven’t heard anything back yet.

The other job was posted nearly two weeks ago (the manager contacted me to let me know when the posting finally went up, and I applied immediately).  I had also spoken to that manager on the phone nearly 3 weeks ago.

My understanding in the case was they wanted to fill the position by October, so I expected things to move a little quicker.

Being that I am not the “ideal” candidate, since I am looking to shift practice areas and will need additional training that others might not, I’m not totally confident that I would get either position.  I have high hopes for specific reasons and circumstances relating to each position, but, odds are not in my favor.  Top that with the market getting tighter and tighter.  I begin to get a little antsy when things are not proceeding as quickly as I would expect and there is little communication.

Add this to my old job “ghosting” me.  When we separated, I was told they would keep me on for vacations, emergencies, etc.  They would give me a good reference for other jobs and so on, but there weren’t any hours available in a non management role on a regular basis.  But then they terminated me from the payroll system, 401k etc.  They told me they would look into it with HR and then never contacted me again and have ignored the couple of emails I sent.

There is nothing I hate more in personal or professional life than being led to believe one thing and then being totally ignored.  I do not like being led on.

In comes last night.  I wake up and start running through all the details since I left the job.  Why did they lie to me?  Did the have major issues with me as an employee?  If they did why did the NEVER voice them, and why not tell me when we separated?  Sure, they said they had some issues with my management style (clearly, as I had issues with their corporate style, we weren’t on the same page and that’s part of why the year long endeavor was so stressful), BUT they said, no issues at all with me as a pharmacist in general and they would give me hours but didn’t have any.

So why are they ghosting me now?  My brain takes the path down the cliff: is this why I’m not hearing back from the other jobs?  Would they lie or spin things try to damage my reputation to protect themselves?  Why is my unemployment claim taking so long to get approved?

I am confident in my ethical behavior and actions and that I was an extremely hard worker throughout the time I worked there… so why do I begin to feel that I have done something wrong?  I wasn’t a “yes man” and I finally came to the conclusion that they wanted a license for hire.  I wasn’t going to do that and I made that clear.  But somehow, I begin to feel guilty.  I know it’s wrong to do so, but I do.

I think, this is what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship, doesn’t it?

I feel sick.  I get my night guard out.  After 20 minutes of this I decide to pull out my phone and surf the web to get my mind on something else other than the anxiety and self doubt death spiral I’m working in to.

I still feel some anxiety this morning.  I would really appreciate some communication from someone… old job, new potential jobs, something!  It would settle my mind a bit.

That’s a problem for me with an overactive mind.  I can easily play out scenarios and get myself worked up over what if’s when, in reality, it’s probably just that someone else’s timeline moves slower than mine and they don’t have as much at stake as me.

It’s probably all business as usual.

Except the old job.  That’s some bulk-shit.

5 comments

  1. Fellow pharmacist here, started my career in retail but have been in hospital pharmacy for 12 years now. I feel your pain. Hang in there. I found your blog from a comment on MMM. Glad to see you following these principles that more pharmacists could learn from.

    1. Glad you found me! I’m hoping to get more exposure among pharmacists but it is difficult. I don’t want to have a purely pharmacist focused blog.

      I hope there are a good number of pharmacists exercising habits that get them to FI, as it’s very clear the industry is at a crossroads on the retail front. I don’t see things getting any better anytime soon.

      As you saw in the post, I’m trying to make the transition to hospital, but very few opportunities in my area. And, I’m looking at ALL kinds of options, not even just Pharmacist work.

      I’m curious to see how things play out for me.

      I hope you stick around and read more. Tell you Pharmacist friends about me ?.

  2. Keep at it, friend. I’m pulling for you.

    Don’t forget, this storm would be a lot more destructive if it wasn’t for your frugality. You’ll nab a job soon, whether it’s one of these or another, and this experience will propel you to stash enough away and get to FI ASAP.

    For what it’s worth, I see our on-call pharmacists get more hours than they can handle, and often eventually move to scheduled positions. Several have come from retail backgrounds as well.

    I enjoy the blog.

    –A like-minded RPh.

    1. Thanks for checking me out! That was my situation at my per diem retail job (which was supposed to be my backup job, when I “left” the management gig), more hours than I could fulfill, until two weeks after I made it my only gig and they cut hours across the board! I signed up with a reputable locally staffing company, but, they’re going into slow season and I haven’t gotten any shifts offered yet. Read some of my newer posts and you can get a feel for where I’m at right now.

      I’m hoping I can make a transition to hospital, or basically anything but retail at this point. Rural is great when there are jobs and they need a body, but when the slots are a filled, it can be a rough wait!

  3. I here you on retail pharmacy, don’t think I could ever go back. I’m interested to see how this plays out for you. I realized about 5 years ago that I wanted a path out of this profession asap. I’m luckily in the “semi-retired” phase already. Good luck.

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